Two Sides of the Coin

There are two sides to every coin,
and perhaps, two sides to me.

One side is here
papers scattered,
work waiting,
deadlines breathing down my neck,
and days slipping through my fingers
before I even realise they have begun.

This is the life I once wished for

The life I prayed for in silence.
The life I imagined
when I was too young to understand
how heavy a dream could feel

Then I looked up

And there they were
little girls dancing,
laughing without hesitation,
spinning beneath the same sky
as if the world had never hurt them,
as if tomorrow did not exist,
as if joy was something
they could simply reach for
and hold

And suddenly,
I saw her.

The girl I used to be

Six, maybe seven
dancing without wondering
who was watching,
without worrying whether she was good enough,
without carrying the weight
of everything she had not yet become

She was preparing for a festival
with a heart too large
for her tiny body
with dreams that had not yet learned
how to be afraid

Then they looked at me and said,

“You go and work.
We’ll dance till twelve today,
right here at your home.”

And something inside me broke softly

For one small, aching moment
I wanted to leave everything behind.

I wanted to put down the papers,
forget the deadlines,
run barefoot into the room,
and become her again

I wanted to return
to that softness
to the girl who laughed easily,
who loved without protecting herself,
who did not yet know
how complicated growing up would become.

But then I realised

I am standing
inside the future
she once asked  for

And perhaps that is what hurts the most

Sometimes, we become
the person our younger self wished to be,
only to become too exhausted
to recognise the miracle

So perhaps I do not need
to go backwards

Perhaps I only need
to pause

To look around
at the life I have built,
at the woman I have become,
and gently remind myself

You are here.

You survived the years
you once thought would destroy you

Growing up is strange.

The little girl was soft
soft like a cushion,
soft enough to be held,
soft enough to be comforted,
soft enough to be broken.

But life did not ask her
whether she was ready

It taught her how to stand
while her knees were still shaking

It taught her how to fall
without disappearing.

How to cry in silence
and still show up the next morning

How to carry pain
without letting it turn her cruel

How to face days
she did not understand
and somehow keep moving through them

Life took her softness
and taught it how to survive.

And tonight,
watching those little girls dance,
it felt as though
my childhood had returned
for one brief, beautiful moment

not to take me back,

but to remind me
that she is still here.

She is still inside me.

Inside this Girl
who works,
who worries,
who overthinks,
who sometimes breaks
in places no one can see

Inside this Girl
who does not always know
how to process the pain,
who sometimes feels lost
in the life she once wanted,
but still wakes up
and keeps going

I may cry today.

I may feel tired.
I may not understand
what tomorrow is asking of me

I may miss the girl
who danced without fear.

But tomorrow morning,
if I wake up smiling,
if I rise despite everything,
if I choose to continue—

that will be my answer.

I choose this life.

I choose this version of me.

Not because she is never tired.
Not because she never misses the past.
Not because she has everything figured out.

I choose her
because she kept going
even when no one knew
how hard it was.

Because she carried the little girl
through every difficult year.

Because she became strong
without completely losing
the tenderness that made her who she was.

So let both sides of the coin exist.

Let the little girl dance.

Let the woman work.

Let one remember
while the other moves forward

And let the woman I have become
protect her,
hold her,
and promise her
that she will never be abandoned again

And if I ever forget
why I kept going,

I will look back at her

six years old,
dancing with her whole heart,
unaware of the battles ahead

and I will whisper,

“I’m still dancing, too.

I’m just dancing through different storms now

But I am still here.

I became the woman you dreamed of

And I promise,
I will keep choosing us.”